Tiny

11th January 2006
I'm visiting Ian again for the weekend, we've settled into a great routine where we visit each other at alternate weekends and when we take holidays from work.  It's working great but we are both looking forward to when he moves in with me later this year.

My period is late, I go to the chemist and buy a test but don't tell Ian or his mum yet.  We have planned that I will stay at Ian's until early Monday morning then leave when his mum goes to work so that I can catch the 1st train home and go straight to work.  I do this a lot because I'm now working as train crew between Nottingham and London.  I do the test 1st thing on Monday morning, it's faint but there is definitely a second line on there.  I AM TERRIFIED!  I still don't say anything to Ian or his mum.  Because of what happened last time and the fact that the line is faint I have decided to keep it to myself until I have been to see the doctor.  I get to work and am worrying all morning until I am able to call the doctors surgery and arrange for them to do a pregnancy test.  They say that although the line is faint it is still a positive test and it means i am 5 weeks pregnant.  I am in serious need of reassurance, something just doesn't feel right.  They agree to do another test if it will help and I collect a sample bottle on my way home, I am to take it in tomorrow morning on the way to work.  They will call me with the results on Wednesday afternoon.  I call Ian and tell him I could have some exciting news when I see him at the weekend.

On Tuesday I am a little happier and more relaxed, I think it's sunk in that I'm pregnant again.  Wednesday comes around and I've forgotten about the test results coming later today.  I go to work and tell one of my colleagues my news.  I have completed half my working day and have just started my 2nd round trip to London.  We are about 30 minutes into the journey when i feel a sharp pain in my tummy.  I rush to the toilet and find I'm bleeding, it's happening again.  There's not a lot I can do, I'm on a train in the middle on nowhere.  When we get to London I go to the shop and buy some sanitary towels, I then just try to carry on a normal.  After I finish work I head back home and curl up in a ball on the sofa with a duvet wrapped around me.  I'm in a state of shock that this has happened to me again.  I'm awoken by a phone call from the doctors surgery, the results of the test that they did have come back negative, this means that the pregnancy was failing almost as soon as it had begun.  I'm numb by it all.

The following weekend I have to break the news to Ian.  I arrive at his house, he takes one look at me and knows.

In the months that follow I start to become more and more withdrawn and depressed.  In hindsight, I'm amazed that our relationship survived.  Our sex life starts to die down a lot, I think I'm just too scared to be intimate just in case I get pregnant and lose another baby.  It takes around 9 months for me to come to terms with everything, our relationship grows stronger and I am now ready to try again.