The results of all the tests come back clear, all except one. It is the result that I was dreading. There is something shown up on my cervical smear test, a preliminary diagnosis of cin3 otherwise known as severe diskaryosis or cancer in situ. It is still considered to be pre-cancerous cells but needs treating urgently. I am told that ttc MUST be put on hold until this is treated. I refuse, if I get pregnant then treatment will have to wait.
I don't have long to wait for my appointment for a colposcopy. When I get to the hospital it is confirmed that I am not pregnant. The doctor checks my history and notes that I had laser treatment for pre-cancerous cells discovered after my 1st ever smear test when I was 18 years old. I ask him if treatment will affect our chances of having a successful pregnancy, he tells me that in most cases it has no effect at all. He offers to just take a small biopsy and send it for testing before I am given treatment, or I can be treated today. I decide that if I have got to be treated it better be today or I will probably chicken out and not come back.
The doctor performs the colposcopy, he tells me that what he is seeing is definitely cin3 in most places but in one small area he can't be sure if its not something more sinister. He tells me that he is going to use a loop diathermy to cut away the affected tissue, he is removing just over a third of my cervix. This is sent for testing to confirm the diagnosis. Ttc is now on hold until I heal, this takes nearly 10 weeks.
I receive a letter from the hospital with the results of the tests. It confirms the news that deep down i already knew, stage 1a1 cervical cancer. Fortunately it is confined to a very small area and the doctor removed it all with the treatment I've already had, I just have to go for an MRI scan to check that it hadn't spread to the lymph nodes. Three months after my colposcopy and treatment I am given the all clear. I have to have a repeat colposcopy in six months followed by another smear test six months after that, then i will have to have annual smear tests for the next ten years rather than having them every 3-5 years.
An insight into life after loss and long term ttc
Saturday 12 March 2011
Infertility and the darkest days
We try and try, the months roll into a year, which quickly turns into nearly two years. The whole stress of long term ttc really starts to affect us. I become miserable and depressed, avoid all contact with babies and pregnant women. I quit playing darts for our local team after nearly 10 years because I can't stand the thought of getting a week by week account of the pregnancy of one of the girls on the team. My depression gets so bad that at times I think of just throwing myself under a train. I have it all planned, I chose a train because I know that it will be quick and painless and will result in certain death. The only thing that keeps me going is the love I have for Ian, whenever I feel so bad that I think of suicide I just think of what it would do to him. I can't put him through that.
I finally break down and can't take any more, I go to the doctor who listens to everything that has happened to us so far. She advises anti depressants but tells me that she won't give them to me because she knows I won't take them. I agree, I won't take anything which may have a tiny impact on our chances of conceiving or miscarrying again. She is very understanding and thinks that actually doing something about our problems will help more than any counselling or medication. She orders some preliminary infertility tests, these must be completed before the consultant at the hospital will agree to see us. Ian has to have a semen analysis while I must have blood tests, checks for infection and a cervical smear. I haven't had a smear test done in over ten years, I have developed a phobia of them. The doctor is very calm and manages to persuade me to have it done, without it I cannot see the fertility specialist. We now just have to wait for the results.
I finally break down and can't take any more, I go to the doctor who listens to everything that has happened to us so far. She advises anti depressants but tells me that she won't give them to me because she knows I won't take them. I agree, I won't take anything which may have a tiny impact on our chances of conceiving or miscarrying again. She is very understanding and thinks that actually doing something about our problems will help more than any counselling or medication. She orders some preliminary infertility tests, these must be completed before the consultant at the hospital will agree to see us. Ian has to have a semen analysis while I must have blood tests, checks for infection and a cervical smear. I haven't had a smear test done in over ten years, I have developed a phobia of them. The doctor is very calm and manages to persuade me to have it done, without it I cannot see the fertility specialist. We now just have to wait for the results.
Baby bubs
28th December 2007
It's taken a long while to come to terms with losing another baby and to be ready to try again. We've been trying again for a couple of months and even though my period isn't due until 26th December I have a feeling that this time it's our lucky month. We're visiting Ian's mum for Christmas and I have made an excuse that I need to pop into town for a few last minute gifts so that I can go to the chemist and buy a test. I don't want anyone to know.
I take the test on Christmas eve. Even though I am expecting to see a positive result it's still a bit of a shock when it actually shows up. This time I don't get excited at all, I'm not even scared this time either. I feel like I'm just waiting, waiting until it all goes wrong again. No one really notices when i avoid alcohol over the next couple of days. I think I get away with it because I am a bit sly, I offer to make all the drinks and pretend to pour Tia Maria into my glass and then fill it up with Coke. On 27th December I start to notice that I am having a bit of spotting, I try not to worry, it can be perfectly normal and even if it isn't there is nothing I can do, I'm not exactly close to a hospital and all the GP practices are closed for the holidays. The following day the spotting turns into bleeding, by this time I know that it's all over again. It seems that my feelings were right, i was just waiting for it to happen again.
I wait until we get back home the following day to tell Ian, we decide that at the moment it is probably best to keep our sad news to ourselves. We decide this time that we will not wait at all to try again but will start straight away.
It's taken a long while to come to terms with losing another baby and to be ready to try again. We've been trying again for a couple of months and even though my period isn't due until 26th December I have a feeling that this time it's our lucky month. We're visiting Ian's mum for Christmas and I have made an excuse that I need to pop into town for a few last minute gifts so that I can go to the chemist and buy a test. I don't want anyone to know.
I take the test on Christmas eve. Even though I am expecting to see a positive result it's still a bit of a shock when it actually shows up. This time I don't get excited at all, I'm not even scared this time either. I feel like I'm just waiting, waiting until it all goes wrong again. No one really notices when i avoid alcohol over the next couple of days. I think I get away with it because I am a bit sly, I offer to make all the drinks and pretend to pour Tia Maria into my glass and then fill it up with Coke. On 27th December I start to notice that I am having a bit of spotting, I try not to worry, it can be perfectly normal and even if it isn't there is nothing I can do, I'm not exactly close to a hospital and all the GP practices are closed for the holidays. The following day the spotting turns into bleeding, by this time I know that it's all over again. It seems that my feelings were right, i was just waiting for it to happen again.
I wait until we get back home the following day to tell Ian, we decide that at the moment it is probably best to keep our sad news to ourselves. We decide this time that we will not wait at all to try again but will start straight away.
Tuesday 8 March 2011
Tiny
11th January 2006
I'm visiting Ian again for the weekend, we've settled into a great routine where we visit each other at alternate weekends and when we take holidays from work. It's working great but we are both looking forward to when he moves in with me later this year.
My period is late, I go to the chemist and buy a test but don't tell Ian or his mum yet. We have planned that I will stay at Ian's until early Monday morning then leave when his mum goes to work so that I can catch the 1st train home and go straight to work. I do this a lot because I'm now working as train crew between Nottingham and London. I do the test 1st thing on Monday morning, it's faint but there is definitely a second line on there. I AM TERRIFIED! I still don't say anything to Ian or his mum. Because of what happened last time and the fact that the line is faint I have decided to keep it to myself until I have been to see the doctor. I get to work and am worrying all morning until I am able to call the doctors surgery and arrange for them to do a pregnancy test. They say that although the line is faint it is still a positive test and it means i am 5 weeks pregnant. I am in serious need of reassurance, something just doesn't feel right. They agree to do another test if it will help and I collect a sample bottle on my way home, I am to take it in tomorrow morning on the way to work. They will call me with the results on Wednesday afternoon. I call Ian and tell him I could have some exciting news when I see him at the weekend.
On Tuesday I am a little happier and more relaxed, I think it's sunk in that I'm pregnant again. Wednesday comes around and I've forgotten about the test results coming later today. I go to work and tell one of my colleagues my news. I have completed half my working day and have just started my 2nd round trip to London. We are about 30 minutes into the journey when i feel a sharp pain in my tummy. I rush to the toilet and find I'm bleeding, it's happening again. There's not a lot I can do, I'm on a train in the middle on nowhere. When we get to London I go to the shop and buy some sanitary towels, I then just try to carry on a normal. After I finish work I head back home and curl up in a ball on the sofa with a duvet wrapped around me. I'm in a state of shock that this has happened to me again. I'm awoken by a phone call from the doctors surgery, the results of the test that they did have come back negative, this means that the pregnancy was failing almost as soon as it had begun. I'm numb by it all.
The following weekend I have to break the news to Ian. I arrive at his house, he takes one look at me and knows.
In the months that follow I start to become more and more withdrawn and depressed. In hindsight, I'm amazed that our relationship survived. Our sex life starts to die down a lot, I think I'm just too scared to be intimate just in case I get pregnant and lose another baby. It takes around 9 months for me to come to terms with everything, our relationship grows stronger and I am now ready to try again.
I'm visiting Ian again for the weekend, we've settled into a great routine where we visit each other at alternate weekends and when we take holidays from work. It's working great but we are both looking forward to when he moves in with me later this year.
My period is late, I go to the chemist and buy a test but don't tell Ian or his mum yet. We have planned that I will stay at Ian's until early Monday morning then leave when his mum goes to work so that I can catch the 1st train home and go straight to work. I do this a lot because I'm now working as train crew between Nottingham and London. I do the test 1st thing on Monday morning, it's faint but there is definitely a second line on there. I AM TERRIFIED! I still don't say anything to Ian or his mum. Because of what happened last time and the fact that the line is faint I have decided to keep it to myself until I have been to see the doctor. I get to work and am worrying all morning until I am able to call the doctors surgery and arrange for them to do a pregnancy test. They say that although the line is faint it is still a positive test and it means i am 5 weeks pregnant. I am in serious need of reassurance, something just doesn't feel right. They agree to do another test if it will help and I collect a sample bottle on my way home, I am to take it in tomorrow morning on the way to work. They will call me with the results on Wednesday afternoon. I call Ian and tell him I could have some exciting news when I see him at the weekend.
On Tuesday I am a little happier and more relaxed, I think it's sunk in that I'm pregnant again. Wednesday comes around and I've forgotten about the test results coming later today. I go to work and tell one of my colleagues my news. I have completed half my working day and have just started my 2nd round trip to London. We are about 30 minutes into the journey when i feel a sharp pain in my tummy. I rush to the toilet and find I'm bleeding, it's happening again. There's not a lot I can do, I'm on a train in the middle on nowhere. When we get to London I go to the shop and buy some sanitary towels, I then just try to carry on a normal. After I finish work I head back home and curl up in a ball on the sofa with a duvet wrapped around me. I'm in a state of shock that this has happened to me again. I'm awoken by a phone call from the doctors surgery, the results of the test that they did have come back negative, this means that the pregnancy was failing almost as soon as it had begun. I'm numb by it all.
The following weekend I have to break the news to Ian. I arrive at his house, he takes one look at me and knows.
In the months that follow I start to become more and more withdrawn and depressed. In hindsight, I'm amazed that our relationship survived. Our sex life starts to die down a lot, I think I'm just too scared to be intimate just in case I get pregnant and lose another baby. It takes around 9 months for me to come to terms with everything, our relationship grows stronger and I am now ready to try again.
Sunday 6 March 2011
Junior
18th June 2005
Oooh eck, i think i'm pregnant. What now? What will Ian say when i tell him?
I try to think up an exciting and imaginative way to tell him but I'm too nervous and in the end I just blurt it out while we're half way round the local pitch and putt golf course. We call in to the chemist on the way home and pick up a test. We're both really nervous and scared, the wait for the result seems to take forever. Were having a baby :-D Right from the minute Ian see's the test our baby has a name, he calls him/her Junior.
2nd August 2005
I'm working the early shift so wake up at 5AM. I go to the bathroom and find I'm bleeding, I'm 7 weeks pregnant. I panic, don't know what to do. I phone NHS direct who tell me to go back to bed and get some sleep, phone my GP when they open at 8-30AM. I call work and tell them i'm not coming in today and go back to bed but there's no way I can sleep. I lay there just watching the clock, every minute feels like an hour.
Finally its time for the GP surgery to open so I call them, the receptionist takes some details and tells me the doctor will call me back within an hour. It seems like no sooner than I've hung up that the doctor is calling me back. He tells me to go straight to the hospital. I call a cab and then ring my mum, her and dad meet me there.
In the emergency department I am taken straight into triage and then taken to a cubicle to wait to see a doctor. A nurse comes and takes some blood samples and i am left to wait for the doctor. After the doctor has done his examination I am taken to the ultrasound department for a scan, by this time I know deep inside me that my baby is gone. I have to sit in the main waiting area of the ultrasound department watching all the happy couples being called in for a scan and then seeing them leave, stroking their bumps and clutching their pictures of their babies. It feels like I am being tortured and slowly dying from the inside. Finally, after the worst 2 hours of my life, I am called into the ultrasound room. The sonographer does the scan, she doesn't say much and doesn't let me see the screen. All I can remember her saying was "You're meant to be 7 weeks? Are you sure about you're dates?"
Next I am taken to the EPAU where i a nurse fills in all the admission paperwork that should have been done in the emergency department. I have to pee in a bed pan so that the nurse can do a pregnancy test, I also have some more blood tests done. I have to wait around in the EPAU until the results of the blood tests come back from the lab. Once the tests results come back I am seen by a doctor who tells me that I have lost my baby, he's not telling me anything that I haven't already worked out for myself. He tells me that the scan shows that it is a complete miscarriage so no treatment is needed. My blood tests show that the hcg levels are dropping very quickly, so quickly in fact that the urine pregnancy test is already showing a negative result.
It is all over so quickly. I am sent home with instructions to come back next week for a repeat blood test just to make sure everything is gone. I don't want to go straight home, I don't want to be on my own. We go to my sister's flat and i spend a few hours playing with her kitten, it's like he can sense what has happened and he sticks to my like glue.
I am all alone now. Ian was unable to leave work and his boss is being an ar$ehole, refuses to allow him to take any holidays or emergency leave until next week so he's stuck 60 miles away. Mum and Dad are going to drive me over to be with him tomorrow and will come and fetch us both back next week.
All I want is to be with Ian but I've got to wait. I go to bed and start to cry, i cry myself to sleep.
We get to Ian's house and i run straight to him, he holds me while i sob my heart out. Mum and dad stay for a cuppa and then they leave. For the next week Ian's mum is wonderful, she is there for me just like my own mum would have been. I'll never forget how she looked after me that week.
When mum and dad come to fetch me a week later Ian comes back with us, he has managed to get a week off work. We go back to the EPAU where we are told that everything is now back to normal.
They sure got that wrong, our lives will never be the same again!
Oooh eck, i think i'm pregnant. What now? What will Ian say when i tell him?
I try to think up an exciting and imaginative way to tell him but I'm too nervous and in the end I just blurt it out while we're half way round the local pitch and putt golf course. We call in to the chemist on the way home and pick up a test. We're both really nervous and scared, the wait for the result seems to take forever. Were having a baby :-D Right from the minute Ian see's the test our baby has a name, he calls him/her Junior.
2nd August 2005
I'm working the early shift so wake up at 5AM. I go to the bathroom and find I'm bleeding, I'm 7 weeks pregnant. I panic, don't know what to do. I phone NHS direct who tell me to go back to bed and get some sleep, phone my GP when they open at 8-30AM. I call work and tell them i'm not coming in today and go back to bed but there's no way I can sleep. I lay there just watching the clock, every minute feels like an hour.
Finally its time for the GP surgery to open so I call them, the receptionist takes some details and tells me the doctor will call me back within an hour. It seems like no sooner than I've hung up that the doctor is calling me back. He tells me to go straight to the hospital. I call a cab and then ring my mum, her and dad meet me there.
In the emergency department I am taken straight into triage and then taken to a cubicle to wait to see a doctor. A nurse comes and takes some blood samples and i am left to wait for the doctor. After the doctor has done his examination I am taken to the ultrasound department for a scan, by this time I know deep inside me that my baby is gone. I have to sit in the main waiting area of the ultrasound department watching all the happy couples being called in for a scan and then seeing them leave, stroking their bumps and clutching their pictures of their babies. It feels like I am being tortured and slowly dying from the inside. Finally, after the worst 2 hours of my life, I am called into the ultrasound room. The sonographer does the scan, she doesn't say much and doesn't let me see the screen. All I can remember her saying was "You're meant to be 7 weeks? Are you sure about you're dates?"
Next I am taken to the EPAU where i a nurse fills in all the admission paperwork that should have been done in the emergency department. I have to pee in a bed pan so that the nurse can do a pregnancy test, I also have some more blood tests done. I have to wait around in the EPAU until the results of the blood tests come back from the lab. Once the tests results come back I am seen by a doctor who tells me that I have lost my baby, he's not telling me anything that I haven't already worked out for myself. He tells me that the scan shows that it is a complete miscarriage so no treatment is needed. My blood tests show that the hcg levels are dropping very quickly, so quickly in fact that the urine pregnancy test is already showing a negative result.
It is all over so quickly. I am sent home with instructions to come back next week for a repeat blood test just to make sure everything is gone. I don't want to go straight home, I don't want to be on my own. We go to my sister's flat and i spend a few hours playing with her kitten, it's like he can sense what has happened and he sticks to my like glue.
I am all alone now. Ian was unable to leave work and his boss is being an ar$ehole, refuses to allow him to take any holidays or emergency leave until next week so he's stuck 60 miles away. Mum and Dad are going to drive me over to be with him tomorrow and will come and fetch us both back next week.
All I want is to be with Ian but I've got to wait. I go to bed and start to cry, i cry myself to sleep.
We get to Ian's house and i run straight to him, he holds me while i sob my heart out. Mum and dad stay for a cuppa and then they leave. For the next week Ian's mum is wonderful, she is there for me just like my own mum would have been. I'll never forget how she looked after me that week.
When mum and dad come to fetch me a week later Ian comes back with us, he has managed to get a week off work. We go back to the EPAU where we are told that everything is now back to normal.
They sure got that wrong, our lives will never be the same again!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)