We try and try, the months roll into a year, which quickly turns into nearly two years. The whole stress of long term ttc really starts to affect us. I become miserable and depressed, avoid all contact with babies and pregnant women. I quit playing darts for our local team after nearly 10 years because I can't stand the thought of getting a week by week account of the pregnancy of one of the girls on the team. My depression gets so bad that at times I think of just throwing myself under a train. I have it all planned, I chose a train because I know that it will be quick and painless and will result in certain death. The only thing that keeps me going is the love I have for Ian, whenever I feel so bad that I think of suicide I just think of what it would do to him. I can't put him through that.
I finally break down and can't take any more, I go to the doctor who listens to everything that has happened to us so far. She advises anti depressants but tells me that she won't give them to me because she knows I won't take them. I agree, I won't take anything which may have a tiny impact on our chances of conceiving or miscarrying again. She is very understanding and thinks that actually doing something about our problems will help more than any counselling or medication. She orders some preliminary infertility tests, these must be completed before the consultant at the hospital will agree to see us. Ian has to have a semen analysis while I must have blood tests, checks for infection and a cervical smear. I haven't had a smear test done in over ten years, I have developed a phobia of them. The doctor is very calm and manages to persuade me to have it done, without it I cannot see the fertility specialist. We now just have to wait for the results.
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