Our doctor finally sends us to the recurrent miscarriage clinic, it is held in the EPAC where I went when I lost Junior. The appointment was very difficult. It's almost impossible to explain the feelings and waves of emotion that I experienced from being back there. There was the sorrow and heartache of recalling that awful day but there was also hope mixed in there too, hope that we would finally be getting some answers and be a step closer to bringing our baby home.
Our doctor is Miss Moore, she's lovely. Very sympathetic to what we've been through so far. She has taken a full history of ttc and loss, Ian brings up the wonky period. Miss Moore tells us that because my cycle is normally so regular the chances are that it was not just a wonky period, she enters it in our notes as miscarriage number 5.
She repeats the tests which our GP did but tells us that they are still unlikely to show any reasons for our losses, she also orders some other tests which we haven't had done before now. The results will come back in about 6 weeks.
In the interim she puts in place an action plan for us. I am to stop taking my meds for my arthritis, they may be part of what has caused our infertility and could be a contributing factor to the miscarriages. I must take a very high dosage of folic acid and I am told to test from about 10 days past ovulation every month. When I get a positive pregnancy test I have to phone them the same day and come straight in so that they can administer an injection of 10000 units of hcg hormone to help sustain the pregnancy in the early stages. I will then have to come back once a week for a repeat of the injection and a scan. They will also take blood samples every week to check for clotting issues which she thinks may show up during pregnancy even though the tests are normal when i'm not pregnant, If the tests come back positive I will have to learn to inject myself on a daily basis with blood thinners.
She is hopeful that this will get us through the 1st trimester. If it does I will then be given a stitch in my cervix to reduce the risks of it being weakened by the cancer treatment.
We leave the hospital full of hope for the future.
A few days later we decide that our fifth angel will be named Hope.
An insight into life after loss and long term ttc
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Wonky period or something else?
April 2010
My period is due in a fews days but something feels odd, I don't think it's coming. I'm terrified, too scared to test incase it's positive. Ian nags me to test and even goes out to buy one but I still refuse, every day he hands me the test but i won't take it. This goes on for 10 days until my period finally arrives.
I somehow managed to convince myself that it was just a wonky period and not another early miscarriage.
My period is due in a fews days but something feels odd, I don't think it's coming. I'm terrified, too scared to test incase it's positive. Ian nags me to test and even goes out to buy one but I still refuse, every day he hands me the test but i won't take it. This goes on for 10 days until my period finally arrives.
I somehow managed to convince myself that it was just a wonky period and not another early miscarriage.
Fertility clinic
We received our appointment for the fertility clinic and started to get excited, maybe now we would finally be heading down the road towards our dreams. The day of the appointment comes and we reach the hospital only to find we can't go in, the fire alarm is ringing so we have to wait outside until it's decided there is not a fire. I think this was a sign from fate that all was not going to be well.
When we are finally allowed to enter the building it takes us ages to find the clinic, by this time we are over an hour late. The receptionist tells us that because we are so late the doctor will not see us, WTF???? They know nothing about the fire alarm and don't believe us, by this time we're starting to get pretty annoyed. After much discussion which culminates in me threatening to make a formal complaint to the hospital chief executive they finally decide that we are not lying and we are seen two hours after our appointment time. This is where things go from bad to worse!
Before we are seen by the doctor we are sent for blood tests and a nurse measures our weight and height. The doctor calls us in and starts by taking a full history of ttc and our miscarriages. He then moves on to tell us that I am too fat for treatment to which I respond by telling him that I have been trying to lose weight and have lost 2 stone in 3 months. He then says "well you've obviously not been trying very hard have you". He gives us an ultimatum, I must lose another 4 stones before my 35th birthday or we will be refused any help and removed from his list. My birthday is less than 3 months away.
We leave the clinic rather shell shocked.
A few days later I go to my weekly weigh in at weight watchers. I tell the class leader what the action plan is and that my new goal is to lose 4 stones in 10 weeks. She tells me how dangerous this is and immediately cancels my membership because WW cannot support a goal which is likely to cause danger to a persons health.
A few weeks later I see how foolish it is to try to achieve this goal so I stop trying. Knowing that we will now not get any help from the NHS I become very angry and bitter, I still feel the same way now about our experiences as I did then.
When we are finally allowed to enter the building it takes us ages to find the clinic, by this time we are over an hour late. The receptionist tells us that because we are so late the doctor will not see us, WTF???? They know nothing about the fire alarm and don't believe us, by this time we're starting to get pretty annoyed. After much discussion which culminates in me threatening to make a formal complaint to the hospital chief executive they finally decide that we are not lying and we are seen two hours after our appointment time. This is where things go from bad to worse!
Before we are seen by the doctor we are sent for blood tests and a nurse measures our weight and height. The doctor calls us in and starts by taking a full history of ttc and our miscarriages. He then moves on to tell us that I am too fat for treatment to which I respond by telling him that I have been trying to lose weight and have lost 2 stone in 3 months. He then says "well you've obviously not been trying very hard have you". He gives us an ultimatum, I must lose another 4 stones before my 35th birthday or we will be refused any help and removed from his list. My birthday is less than 3 months away.
We leave the clinic rather shell shocked.
A few days later I go to my weekly weigh in at weight watchers. I tell the class leader what the action plan is and that my new goal is to lose 4 stones in 10 weeks. She tells me how dangerous this is and immediately cancels my membership because WW cannot support a goal which is likely to cause danger to a persons health.
A few weeks later I see how foolish it is to try to achieve this goal so I stop trying. Knowing that we will now not get any help from the NHS I become very angry and bitter, I still feel the same way now about our experiences as I did then.
Saturday, 12 March 2011
The result I was dreading
The results of all the tests come back clear, all except one. It is the result that I was dreading. There is something shown up on my cervical smear test, a preliminary diagnosis of cin3 otherwise known as severe diskaryosis or cancer in situ. It is still considered to be pre-cancerous cells but needs treating urgently. I am told that ttc MUST be put on hold until this is treated. I refuse, if I get pregnant then treatment will have to wait.
I don't have long to wait for my appointment for a colposcopy. When I get to the hospital it is confirmed that I am not pregnant. The doctor checks my history and notes that I had laser treatment for pre-cancerous cells discovered after my 1st ever smear test when I was 18 years old. I ask him if treatment will affect our chances of having a successful pregnancy, he tells me that in most cases it has no effect at all. He offers to just take a small biopsy and send it for testing before I am given treatment, or I can be treated today. I decide that if I have got to be treated it better be today or I will probably chicken out and not come back.
The doctor performs the colposcopy, he tells me that what he is seeing is definitely cin3 in most places but in one small area he can't be sure if its not something more sinister. He tells me that he is going to use a loop diathermy to cut away the affected tissue, he is removing just over a third of my cervix. This is sent for testing to confirm the diagnosis. Ttc is now on hold until I heal, this takes nearly 10 weeks.
I receive a letter from the hospital with the results of the tests. It confirms the news that deep down i already knew, stage 1a1 cervical cancer. Fortunately it is confined to a very small area and the doctor removed it all with the treatment I've already had, I just have to go for an MRI scan to check that it hadn't spread to the lymph nodes. Three months after my colposcopy and treatment I am given the all clear. I have to have a repeat colposcopy in six months followed by another smear test six months after that, then i will have to have annual smear tests for the next ten years rather than having them every 3-5 years.
I don't have long to wait for my appointment for a colposcopy. When I get to the hospital it is confirmed that I am not pregnant. The doctor checks my history and notes that I had laser treatment for pre-cancerous cells discovered after my 1st ever smear test when I was 18 years old. I ask him if treatment will affect our chances of having a successful pregnancy, he tells me that in most cases it has no effect at all. He offers to just take a small biopsy and send it for testing before I am given treatment, or I can be treated today. I decide that if I have got to be treated it better be today or I will probably chicken out and not come back.
The doctor performs the colposcopy, he tells me that what he is seeing is definitely cin3 in most places but in one small area he can't be sure if its not something more sinister. He tells me that he is going to use a loop diathermy to cut away the affected tissue, he is removing just over a third of my cervix. This is sent for testing to confirm the diagnosis. Ttc is now on hold until I heal, this takes nearly 10 weeks.
I receive a letter from the hospital with the results of the tests. It confirms the news that deep down i already knew, stage 1a1 cervical cancer. Fortunately it is confined to a very small area and the doctor removed it all with the treatment I've already had, I just have to go for an MRI scan to check that it hadn't spread to the lymph nodes. Three months after my colposcopy and treatment I am given the all clear. I have to have a repeat colposcopy in six months followed by another smear test six months after that, then i will have to have annual smear tests for the next ten years rather than having them every 3-5 years.
Infertility and the darkest days
We try and try, the months roll into a year, which quickly turns into nearly two years. The whole stress of long term ttc really starts to affect us. I become miserable and depressed, avoid all contact with babies and pregnant women. I quit playing darts for our local team after nearly 10 years because I can't stand the thought of getting a week by week account of the pregnancy of one of the girls on the team. My depression gets so bad that at times I think of just throwing myself under a train. I have it all planned, I chose a train because I know that it will be quick and painless and will result in certain death. The only thing that keeps me going is the love I have for Ian, whenever I feel so bad that I think of suicide I just think of what it would do to him. I can't put him through that.
I finally break down and can't take any more, I go to the doctor who listens to everything that has happened to us so far. She advises anti depressants but tells me that she won't give them to me because she knows I won't take them. I agree, I won't take anything which may have a tiny impact on our chances of conceiving or miscarrying again. She is very understanding and thinks that actually doing something about our problems will help more than any counselling or medication. She orders some preliminary infertility tests, these must be completed before the consultant at the hospital will agree to see us. Ian has to have a semen analysis while I must have blood tests, checks for infection and a cervical smear. I haven't had a smear test done in over ten years, I have developed a phobia of them. The doctor is very calm and manages to persuade me to have it done, without it I cannot see the fertility specialist. We now just have to wait for the results.
I finally break down and can't take any more, I go to the doctor who listens to everything that has happened to us so far. She advises anti depressants but tells me that she won't give them to me because she knows I won't take them. I agree, I won't take anything which may have a tiny impact on our chances of conceiving or miscarrying again. She is very understanding and thinks that actually doing something about our problems will help more than any counselling or medication. She orders some preliminary infertility tests, these must be completed before the consultant at the hospital will agree to see us. Ian has to have a semen analysis while I must have blood tests, checks for infection and a cervical smear. I haven't had a smear test done in over ten years, I have developed a phobia of them. The doctor is very calm and manages to persuade me to have it done, without it I cannot see the fertility specialist. We now just have to wait for the results.
Baby bubs
28th December 2007
It's taken a long while to come to terms with losing another baby and to be ready to try again. We've been trying again for a couple of months and even though my period isn't due until 26th December I have a feeling that this time it's our lucky month. We're visiting Ian's mum for Christmas and I have made an excuse that I need to pop into town for a few last minute gifts so that I can go to the chemist and buy a test. I don't want anyone to know.
I take the test on Christmas eve. Even though I am expecting to see a positive result it's still a bit of a shock when it actually shows up. This time I don't get excited at all, I'm not even scared this time either. I feel like I'm just waiting, waiting until it all goes wrong again. No one really notices when i avoid alcohol over the next couple of days. I think I get away with it because I am a bit sly, I offer to make all the drinks and pretend to pour Tia Maria into my glass and then fill it up with Coke. On 27th December I start to notice that I am having a bit of spotting, I try not to worry, it can be perfectly normal and even if it isn't there is nothing I can do, I'm not exactly close to a hospital and all the GP practices are closed for the holidays. The following day the spotting turns into bleeding, by this time I know that it's all over again. It seems that my feelings were right, i was just waiting for it to happen again.
I wait until we get back home the following day to tell Ian, we decide that at the moment it is probably best to keep our sad news to ourselves. We decide this time that we will not wait at all to try again but will start straight away.
It's taken a long while to come to terms with losing another baby and to be ready to try again. We've been trying again for a couple of months and even though my period isn't due until 26th December I have a feeling that this time it's our lucky month. We're visiting Ian's mum for Christmas and I have made an excuse that I need to pop into town for a few last minute gifts so that I can go to the chemist and buy a test. I don't want anyone to know.
I take the test on Christmas eve. Even though I am expecting to see a positive result it's still a bit of a shock when it actually shows up. This time I don't get excited at all, I'm not even scared this time either. I feel like I'm just waiting, waiting until it all goes wrong again. No one really notices when i avoid alcohol over the next couple of days. I think I get away with it because I am a bit sly, I offer to make all the drinks and pretend to pour Tia Maria into my glass and then fill it up with Coke. On 27th December I start to notice that I am having a bit of spotting, I try not to worry, it can be perfectly normal and even if it isn't there is nothing I can do, I'm not exactly close to a hospital and all the GP practices are closed for the holidays. The following day the spotting turns into bleeding, by this time I know that it's all over again. It seems that my feelings were right, i was just waiting for it to happen again.
I wait until we get back home the following day to tell Ian, we decide that at the moment it is probably best to keep our sad news to ourselves. We decide this time that we will not wait at all to try again but will start straight away.
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Tiny
11th January 2006
I'm visiting Ian again for the weekend, we've settled into a great routine where we visit each other at alternate weekends and when we take holidays from work. It's working great but we are both looking forward to when he moves in with me later this year.
My period is late, I go to the chemist and buy a test but don't tell Ian or his mum yet. We have planned that I will stay at Ian's until early Monday morning then leave when his mum goes to work so that I can catch the 1st train home and go straight to work. I do this a lot because I'm now working as train crew between Nottingham and London. I do the test 1st thing on Monday morning, it's faint but there is definitely a second line on there. I AM TERRIFIED! I still don't say anything to Ian or his mum. Because of what happened last time and the fact that the line is faint I have decided to keep it to myself until I have been to see the doctor. I get to work and am worrying all morning until I am able to call the doctors surgery and arrange for them to do a pregnancy test. They say that although the line is faint it is still a positive test and it means i am 5 weeks pregnant. I am in serious need of reassurance, something just doesn't feel right. They agree to do another test if it will help and I collect a sample bottle on my way home, I am to take it in tomorrow morning on the way to work. They will call me with the results on Wednesday afternoon. I call Ian and tell him I could have some exciting news when I see him at the weekend.
On Tuesday I am a little happier and more relaxed, I think it's sunk in that I'm pregnant again. Wednesday comes around and I've forgotten about the test results coming later today. I go to work and tell one of my colleagues my news. I have completed half my working day and have just started my 2nd round trip to London. We are about 30 minutes into the journey when i feel a sharp pain in my tummy. I rush to the toilet and find I'm bleeding, it's happening again. There's not a lot I can do, I'm on a train in the middle on nowhere. When we get to London I go to the shop and buy some sanitary towels, I then just try to carry on a normal. After I finish work I head back home and curl up in a ball on the sofa with a duvet wrapped around me. I'm in a state of shock that this has happened to me again. I'm awoken by a phone call from the doctors surgery, the results of the test that they did have come back negative, this means that the pregnancy was failing almost as soon as it had begun. I'm numb by it all.
The following weekend I have to break the news to Ian. I arrive at his house, he takes one look at me and knows.
In the months that follow I start to become more and more withdrawn and depressed. In hindsight, I'm amazed that our relationship survived. Our sex life starts to die down a lot, I think I'm just too scared to be intimate just in case I get pregnant and lose another baby. It takes around 9 months for me to come to terms with everything, our relationship grows stronger and I am now ready to try again.
I'm visiting Ian again for the weekend, we've settled into a great routine where we visit each other at alternate weekends and when we take holidays from work. It's working great but we are both looking forward to when he moves in with me later this year.
My period is late, I go to the chemist and buy a test but don't tell Ian or his mum yet. We have planned that I will stay at Ian's until early Monday morning then leave when his mum goes to work so that I can catch the 1st train home and go straight to work. I do this a lot because I'm now working as train crew between Nottingham and London. I do the test 1st thing on Monday morning, it's faint but there is definitely a second line on there. I AM TERRIFIED! I still don't say anything to Ian or his mum. Because of what happened last time and the fact that the line is faint I have decided to keep it to myself until I have been to see the doctor. I get to work and am worrying all morning until I am able to call the doctors surgery and arrange for them to do a pregnancy test. They say that although the line is faint it is still a positive test and it means i am 5 weeks pregnant. I am in serious need of reassurance, something just doesn't feel right. They agree to do another test if it will help and I collect a sample bottle on my way home, I am to take it in tomorrow morning on the way to work. They will call me with the results on Wednesday afternoon. I call Ian and tell him I could have some exciting news when I see him at the weekend.
On Tuesday I am a little happier and more relaxed, I think it's sunk in that I'm pregnant again. Wednesday comes around and I've forgotten about the test results coming later today. I go to work and tell one of my colleagues my news. I have completed half my working day and have just started my 2nd round trip to London. We are about 30 minutes into the journey when i feel a sharp pain in my tummy. I rush to the toilet and find I'm bleeding, it's happening again. There's not a lot I can do, I'm on a train in the middle on nowhere. When we get to London I go to the shop and buy some sanitary towels, I then just try to carry on a normal. After I finish work I head back home and curl up in a ball on the sofa with a duvet wrapped around me. I'm in a state of shock that this has happened to me again. I'm awoken by a phone call from the doctors surgery, the results of the test that they did have come back negative, this means that the pregnancy was failing almost as soon as it had begun. I'm numb by it all.
The following weekend I have to break the news to Ian. I arrive at his house, he takes one look at me and knows.
In the months that follow I start to become more and more withdrawn and depressed. In hindsight, I'm amazed that our relationship survived. Our sex life starts to die down a lot, I think I'm just too scared to be intimate just in case I get pregnant and lose another baby. It takes around 9 months for me to come to terms with everything, our relationship grows stronger and I am now ready to try again.
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